Am I crazy?

It's a good question to ask. Starting a food modification plan of 1200-1400 calories just before Christmas seems crazy! I've been at this for four days. The first two were really hard. Yesterday and today, not as hard. I've already seen pretty good results, 7 pounds lost. I look forward and I see Christmas dinner with my parents and brother. I can handle that, just a small dinner at home. Then, New Year. We are going to my uncle's house, so it will be a little more difficult, but I'm ready. I figure if nothing else, I will eat fruit instead of snacks. I may go over my serving of fruit for the day, but I won't eat potato chips and candy. Well, that's the plan. (I am still a little hungry...)

Here we go again!

So, about a year ago, I suddenly gained about 10 pounds, dashing my last little "excuse" (but at least I've never hit 400). This last year, especially summer, has been really stressful. Stressful work, freaking out about turning 30 next summer...and so on. I knew my blood sugar was high, so when we had a free wellness screening at work, I signed up. The next day my doctor's office called. "We need to see you right away, you're diabetic." Nothing new to me. Back in college they put me on Metformin, even Byetta when it very first came out. I gave it a half-hearted attempt for a few years, then I went to Russia to study for 10 months. I lost 70 lbs, and didn't need medicine. Of course being back home, I gained some back, then more, and finally 400. So yesterday I go to see the Diabetes Educator. I liked her a lot. We talked easily, and she was not patronizing. Then I talked to the dietician. I'd been there once before; I knew what was coming. She said you can this many milk choices, this many starches, this much fruit, and so on, to equal 1200-1400 calories a day. So, half grudgingly, and half trying to be positive, I planned out what I would eat today. I've stuck to it, but I'm hungry. This is somewhere between a 600-1500 calorie deficit. It's way less protein than I normally eat, and more carbs than I'm used to (proportionally). I entered everything on SparkPeople and got 1180 calories, but according to what I should eat, I only have .5 tbsp of "fat" left to eat today.

OK. This will be an adjustment. This will be hard. Hopefully now I will find the support I need to succeed. And I hope mom will follow along. I CAN'T go into my 30's like this!

Here we go...again.

First Step

Ok, so I called two days ago to set up an appointment to see about some counseling.  I checking out, well they recommended Theophostic counseling. (http://www.gotquestions.org/theophostic-counseling.html)  I'm excited and scared!......

So, I went once, and talked with the gal, and I think counseling is going to be good.  I've been trying to eat lots of fruit and veg lately.  Tonight, mom and I actually went to the Y and did the eliptical for 25 minutes.  I'm sooo out of shape, but I felt good afterwards.  Baby steps.....

Ruby

This weekend I got out of town and stayed with some family.  They have cable so many new channels were available to me.  Flipping channels, I happened across Ruby.  I'd heard about Ruby, but never seen the show, and it was very interesting, and very familiar.  I think it's great, not only for her and the others on the show to get help and get some things worked out.  That's what I need!  I need counseling, and a support network.  I just don't have anyone to turn to, upon whom I can rely.  I'm interested to see more of the show and possibly read her book Ruby's Diary: Reflections on All I've Lost and Gained.

I have a "friend" who has all of the sudden not been very nice to me.  He's been like my little brother, and all of the sudden has gotten an attitude, and it's caused me to look back and think.  I am a person who needs to be needed, a lot, I think, like my grandmother.  I serve people.  I do, do, do.  My mother used to tell me that to have a friend you have to be a friend, but I kinda took it to the extreme.  I invest to much time and energy into people who don't deserve it.  I'm, as my mother put it, "too available".  I need to learn to find a balance between doing things for people and trying to do things withe people and just plain bombarding them with my presence.  I need to find a way to put some mystery into my relationships.  I tell myself that if I don't keep inviting people out that I'd never get to do anything, which may be true, but until I find friends who are as interested in me as I am in them, I need to find some other ways to invest my time and energy, such as into making my life better and more organized.

Looking back, it occurred to me...I don't know how to have a healthy relationship!  I've never had one!  Well, maybe one or two not too bad ones, but none really healthy.  Not a single one of the guys in my life have been good to me.  Ok, I've never had a boyfriend, but neither those guys who I've been "friends" with, or had romantic interests in have been good or even really nice to me!  I need to find people who are worthy of me, rather than people who treat me like dirt!

Step 1.  Find counseling.
Step 2.  Stop investing so much time and energy into people who don't really care about me!
Step 3.  Work on figuring out who I am, and who I want to be!

http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp

WAKE UP!

I have not been a good girl lately!  My life feels out of control, I'm not truly happy in my endeavors, and I feel old!  I'm having a "I'm turning thirty in a year" crisis.

I've had sooooooo many excuses over the years, and I've slowly broken them down, but today, my fantasy excuse world came crashing down.  I've always told myself that yes, I was overweight, but at least I wasn't so-and-so, but my biggest excuse was "at least I've never hit 400".  Guess what?  I got on the scale today, 399.4.  Ok, I tell myself, not technically 400, and then, after smacking myself reality sets in.  That's before eating or drinking, as soon as you put something in your stomach you'll be at 400.

I thought...I'm gonna change, I'm gonna do this!!!!  But I've already lost my gumption and have now returned to that hopeless feeling.  Mom and I are making lunch, and then we are going for a walk.  Small, simple changes...start small.  Oh, to be an alcoholic!  At least there are treatment centers for that, and you can give up drugs and alcohol cold turkey.  If only I could completely give up food!

There are so many different things going through me right now: determination, I'm really gonna do it!, failure, hopelessness, defeat, anger!,  worthlessness...I can't do this alone!  Must find support!  I can be the strong one all the time, and mom is not able to pick up the slack when I drop off, because she's in the same boat (facing a serious  sugar addiction).

I've been reading Suzy Welch's book 10-10-10: A Life-Transforming Idea, and what a great concept.  stopping and making decisions, no matter how big or small, after considering there impact 10 minutes from now, 10 months from now, and 10 years from now.  I was just reading today about values, so it seems to me, that I need to spend some time today, after my walk, sitting down and discovering my values.

What do I want from life?

Introductions

As you can see in the About Me box, I'm 28, obese and angry. :-P  While these things are true, there's a little more to the story.  I've struggled with weight my whole life and have had a food addiction for most of it.  I learned these behaviors in childhood from my mother, who used food to deal with her feelings of inadequacy, etc.  (She came from a verbally abusive home, and was sexually molested by her father, so she had good reason for her mental instability.  Then she went and married my dad, who she'd only known for three months, and who is very controlling, like his mother was.)  I've spent most of my life extremely depressed, unhappy and disgusted with myself.  I've tried to lose weight, but I've never been successful in the long term.  In the past year, I've been doing a lot of "soul searching" and have been trying to deal with the issues behind my emotional eating.  I bought Debbie Danowski's book 

The Emotional Eater's Book of Inspiration: 90 Truths You Need to Know to Overcome Your Food Addiction, and that has been very helpful.  It has been suggested to me before to consider gastric bypass surgery, but I've always refused that, and there is one simple reason; it won't fix the problem!!!  The problem is in my head!

So, that's what my quest is now, fixing my problem, my faulty relationship with myself, and with food.  Recently, I had an epiphany.  I wrote this in an email to my mother:

• I was looking at a student, thinking I wish I could be that size, just normal.  Then I thought it's so much work!  And then I thought does it really take any more effort to be healthy than it does to be unhealthy?  And I realized that it doesn't.  And then I had the disgusting realization at how much effort, how much work I've gone to to make myself what I am.  IT'S SICK!  It literally made me ill to think about it!

The other realization I had was that, like everyone else I wanted a fast solution, but the fact is, it has taken me twenty eight years to get here, how can I expect to undo that overnight?  I find it so strange that I am such an emotional person, and I place such importance on feelings, I feel things so strongly, and I am afraid to feel my feelings, so I've been stuffing them down and covering them up, numbing myself.  That's on of the reasons I'm making this blog, in order to have a creative outlet for those emotions, and somewhere to pour my heart out.  I also hope that as I make my journey, I might encourage someone else who is struggling along the way.  We're in this together!

So, I'm going to be completely open and honest here.  This is where I'm starting: 396 lbs, size 38W, my hips are about 68 in, my waist about 52.

Here's looking forward!